Tales from the Laundry Room

Back in the Saddle

2010-01-29T09:02:00.001-08:00

I have been so busy trying new things, as part of my new year's resolutions that I have not focused on dating too much.

The Christian dating site turned out to be a huge waste of 30$ unless I was interested in the Bible Belt or the 52 year old that keeps sending me smiles. I explored a few other sites but the members seem to be outside of my geographical limits. So as you know, I went back to the old one out of boredom. It amazes that the same people are still on there after all these years. One could argue that I am on there too but I have given the relationship thing a fair shake. I see the same guys who say they are looking for a relationship but all their photos involve them drinking or partying, they set their age preferences to their age and 10-12 years younger (So let me get t his straight...a 36 year old man feels he will not connect with a 37 year old woman but will have lots to share with a 21 year old girl.)

And of course I have become the dreaded jaded bitch which certainly makes the pickin's even slimmer. I don't respond to men who are wearing beaded necklaces in ALL of their photos. It signifies that they are on a permanent vacation. I do not respond to men whose profiles are full of major spelling and grammatical errors. This is the first impression and if they can't clean up their profile, how the hell do they clean up in public?? I don't respond to men who do not write about anything in their profile. They are usually the men who have nothing to offer. I shy away from men who want to meet right away. They tend to be the serial daters and are more concerned with numbers.

Then let's say you get to the point where you are exchanging phone numbers or email addresses. You can learn so much more prior to meeting. If you have their email addy, in this day and age you can stalk them on Facebook. This trick came in particularly handy the other day. Someone who had messaged me without a photo sent me his Hotmail address. I plugged it into good ol' FB and up popped a profile with no photo and 20 friends who were ALL girls.

The very handsome teacher messaged me a few times but I realized he couldn't spell if his life depended on it. He kept asking for me to join him for Bailey's. I messaged back that I hope he didn't teach English. I never heard from him again. Illiterate and an alcoholic

So I went out with the Alex P. Keaton Scot. As much as we have in common and as sweet as he is, unfortunately he is not the one for me. It is his personality. He rambles on and on about himself and his interests. It is never a good sign that you find your self tuning them out as they speak or you just want to smack them. We ran into someone who took a course with him a few years ago. This guy remembered APK because APK never shut up in class, always asking the teacher questions or arguing her points. Case closed.

At this point, I am seriously considering ponying up the cash for a matchmaking service and tell them to not come back until they have "the one" for me.

Back for More Punishment

2010-01-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

So I went back online...
I needed more material for this blog. Now that Mr. Sarcastic and the Plow Guy are gone, I need fresh meat.

I went for coffee last week with a guy who reminds me of Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties. I didn't find his jokes that funny as they were over educated. He talked a lot: perhaps out of nervousness. He is the type of person that dissects and lists everything. It makes me sad because he will probably never see the big picture of anything. He was the type of child that consistently asks "why." He should have been an engineer except he failed calculus. However, he was very polite, smart, we had a few common interests and quite handsome. He was prattling on about an energy efficient house he has designed and all I could think of was leaning over and kissing his lips to shut him up. Hmm...Yeah, I would go out with him again.

But one caveat....Dude is Scottish....argh!

I spent a good chunk of the weekend at home and communicated with a few boyz online. These losers make APK appear to be closer and closer to a Prince Charming.

Utility Tool - I called him last night, against my better judgement. He never really wants to answer my question about what he does for a living. All he could tell me that he works utility. Maybe an incomplete sentence should be my first red flag. And doesn't seem to have any hobbies. He mentioned that he liked to snowmobile in his profile but has only gone out a few times, a few years ago. He lives in the outskirts, I live down town. He is a hick and well....I am not. Then, when wanted I let him go and he asked if something was wrong. Dude! it is 10:30 and I am tired.

Then another poor sucker with Alzheimer's sent me a message on Friday about how he liked my profile thought we had some stuff in common but could not send pics to his profile because he was using his phone and it wouldn't allow him to do it. I said that I won't give out my email but we could chat. So we sent a couple of messages back and forth. He sent the exact same msg as the first one last night. I responded with "huh??" and he came back with a snarky comment about "Sorry I thought you were on here to meet people" I responded with
"You sent me this exact same msg three days ago. You were supposed to send me a pic today from your computer. I am on here to meet people. Hopefully those who can keep track of who they contacted."

Then there was a good looking teacher that doesn't say much about himself but just wants to meet right away. In my years of online dating I have learned two things:
1-Teachers are weird
2- Those who write little about themselves, have the least to offer.

Real estate guy is kind of weird looking but trendy looking. He is a very active 42 year old and has 3 daughters, all in university. So I guess he started to have kids when he was 12 years old. I dunno about him. He was the best so far.

Another Engineer (there's a surprise) that emailed me. He seemed better spoken than previous Engineers and a little less awkward in his photos. I responded but I never heard back from him.

Meeting a guy that I started emailing last fall around the same time I met Mr. Sarcastic. Cute guy but doesn't seem to have his life in order yet at the ripe old age of 37 years old. I would almost pigeon hole him to be every character that Matthew McConaghey has ever played in a movie.

"3 Date" Rule

2010-01-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

So we are almost midway through January 2009. I am waiting patiently for all things fantastic to come my way. I am filling my schedule with all sorts of fun physical activities that will hopefully give me the body I want by May.

Mr Sarcastic's name should be be changed to just Plain F'kin Nuts. On New Year's Day he sent me a text asking about my holidays and New Years. Thinking he wanted to be friends I called him and he invited me over dinner with his cousin and family. Since my fridge was empty I went over. He acted like he was boyfriend of the year: affectionate, caring and cuddling in front of his nephews. It caught me off guard and I even thought he may have missed me over the holidays. I told him exactly how I felt about him and his attitude towards me. Of course, no response as that would require a discussion. He asked me to stay the night and after some coaxing I agreed (actually I got up to leave but he came after me and carried me to bed....yes I know I am a sucker)

Then he disappeared... I sent a text a couple of days later asking why he behaves that way. It escalated and he called me a "freak" and not in a nice way. I ended the discussion "It was a bad idea that I came over" and was very upset. Upset because I was "played" and I should know better.

Last Friday he sent me a text as if nothing had happened "How was Gerri's week?" I deleted the message and thank my lucky stars that the sociopath never chopped me up into little pieces and hid me in the freezer next to the peas.

The Christian dating site didn't go so well either. Out of 6 men in my area only one was attractive. Of course by the 3rd message he asked what church I belong to. Somehow, I decided to express my views on religion and he never messaged me back.

And I think the snow plow guy is either playing a stupid game or has issues that I have dated his friend. Either way, he just surpassed date number three and all I have received is flirtation via the phone and a little kissy kissy when he drops me off. I feel like one of the jerks I have dated but the 3 date rule must apply.

2009: The Year in Review

2009-12-30T06:26:00.000-08:00

So as 2009 draws to a close, I think about the dates over the year. As a whole, I had a great year. Not too many psychos, very little drama and a few nice evenings.
There was:

The one eye hunter who used a taxidermist like I use an esthetician. Ok, I can group him into the 2008 dates b/c that is when I met him. He flossed his teeth in my kitchen and I threw him and his long john underwear ass out. He was the weirdest!

The engineer that thought 15$ was a hefty price for a bottle of wine. Well, had I knew that right at the start, it could have saved both of us a lot of time. But he does win the best date of the year award. He planned a lovely evening of skating, looking at ice sculptures, checking out a band and going for dessert and coffee. Of course, in retrospect I realize this was a cost effective means but he gets two thumbs up for creativity.

The guy who looks like one of my good guy friends. We still talk and he was my date for the office Xmas party so it wasn't a total disaster. However, maybe I should have refrained from telling him that I don't like to shave in the winter because I believe it keeps me just that extra bit warmer. Too much information at any point for any man.

The really intense depressing guy who I must say was fantastic in the sack but his life was like a soap opera. Too bad. He was a helpless romantic and very kind but just too much drama. You know he isn't the guy for you when you have to start researching local psychologists for him.

Little geeky guy. Why have I not learned my lesson about Engineers??? I will never learn...But I do miss him. We had some great times just hanging out. I thought he just wanted to be friends but then he kissed me on Canada Day. So I re evaluated the situation. When we finally did the deed, it became very obvious which one of us was the more experienced one. I was okay with that. If the circus can train seals.....

There was that one guy from online who I met for one date. He seemed nice enough but afterwards, he would email/ communicate with me almost non stop and the emails were getting a little too sexual for someone that I hardly knew. I addressed it before our second date and that was when he blew up. "I have been nothing but a gentleman...." That's right! Telling me "You have a great ass" right after our first meeting indicates that you have nothing but good intentions. Then months later, in a crowd, at a music festival doesn't my friend grab him, of all people, to ask where we could buy beer tickets. He didn't even look at me. I guess I really pissed him off!

The wedding date from hell. This one shouldn't count but I will throw him in the list anyways. It was a favour for a friend that I bring him as my date to a wedding. There were never any intentions that anything would develop on my part. Can't say the same for buddy. He was scared shitless talking to my father because "I am here with his daughter" I said "don't worry about it. He knows this is going nowhere."

I went out a few times with the 40 sumthing year old teenager. All of his friends were in their 20s and would party on random nights, drinking and bar hopping with the kiddies. Bought aboat so he could wakeboard with the ladies. I should have kept in touch with him because he was a mechanic. I do have a "gold digging" side to me....Date a guy who can do something useful that you cannot do.

Then Fling Boy stopped by for a night. After 3 years of him playing games, all I had to do was send a text that said "Come over" and he showed up like a little puppy. Of course he got all insulted when I called him a notch in my bedpost. Not so much fun when the tables are turned??

Mr Sarcastic - well we already know what happened there. It is officially over. I picked up my belongings, wished him a Merry Christmas and walked out two weeks ago. Not a call, text or email since.

The last one is Snow plow. I mentioned him briefly before. I met him at a fundraiser and he is the friend of my ex. Well, we went out a couple of times but he always goes on and on about how busy he is, working 24/7... blah blah blah. Of course my luck would have that I meet a guy who is a snow plow driver in Canada in December....Couldn't meet a beach lifeguard in December. So he rarely makes plans because he is always working and I truly feel that he is just playing a little game. We were supposed to go out last night but I had a gut feeling he would cancel. Sexy Guy asked me out for dinner. I called Snow Plow to confirm my hunch and I was right. I told him that I had another offer and hung up. Have not heard from him since although I texted him this morning to tell him that I partied like a rock star last night (Ok - that rock star was more like Yanni. I got pinned after 2 drinks. The third pushed me over.)

You want to play the game?....I may hate playing the game but I still play with the best!

So I decided to try a new approach. I joined a Christian dating website yesterday (things are a little slow at work) Why not? I tried all the others? I did a search and I pulled up the profile of a good looking fellow who is looking for a "slender woman who ABSOLUTELY loves Jesus" That's what they call it now a days.....

When What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear

2009-12-14T08:40:00.000-08:00

I figured it may be best to make an entry before I take off for Christmas holidays to update you on my dating career.

I am still keep in touch with Mr. Sarcastic. However, I have assumed we had a non verbal break up. A real break up would have required us to talk and God forbid if he needs to communicate. I have not seen him since his Christmas party and I "disinvited" him to mine via email. I may or may not see him this week but I do need reclaim some of my items left behind.

For my office Christmas party, I brought a date that I had been out on a few dates with earlier this year. Nice guy, well dressed, polite... And a competitor. The only problem for me was that he looked very much like one of my good guy friends and I felt like I was kissing my brother. My boss seemed to get along with incredibly well but I was ripped apart Monday morning for bringing a competitor to our Christmas party on Friday. I did give him a heads up.....Men.......

Anyways, I did get very tipsy at the party and I tried to kiss him as he left. After a few drinks, I guess I would even kiss my own brother! ha ha

AND our Admin's date too!

She ditched him earlier in the evening but he walked me home at the end of the night and made out in my driveway. But one thing I notice as I get older, the last thing I want to do is bring home a one night stand after a party night. I just want to shower and sleep. My colleague called a few minutes later and told me that he was still standing out on the street because he wasn't finished kissing me. His name? Who cares? He was 27 years old!

Well my new nickname around the office is "Butterlips". Apparently I must have used Novocaine in my lipstick that night because he has been quite smitten with me.

Fling boy texted me last week to say that he is bothered by a statement I made once. I told him that I could not date him because I do not trust him. Oh and it took you two months to think about it? I told him that he was too fickle to be taken seriously. That should get rid of him for at least another two months.

I am disappointed. Fling Boy has been the only "ex" that has contacted me over the holiday season. I had more at Thanksgiving. Why I remember a few years ago, at least 5 contacted me. Not that I want to talk to them but I laugh at how pathetic they are when they realize what a good girl I was to them. Am I losing my touch or am I more dutiful at burning the bridges?

Oh well, another Christmas will go by as Lil' G being single...again. Whilst all my friends have babies and mortgages, I have hangovers and a hundred pairs of shoes. Regardless, I still put presents under the tree "To Gerri - Love Gerri" and I must say that I do love myself very much this year.

Break Up Postponed

2009-11-30T08:33:00.000-08:00

So either I am the biggest jerk or the biggest coward. I didn't break up with Mr. Sarcastic on Friday as I had planned. Late in the day on Friday, he emailed me at work and asked if I would be interested in being his date for his office Xmas party. He has rented SUV limos to chauffeur the office to dinner, the casino and then to a bar afterwards. It sounds like a lot of fun.
I took a vote in the office and WE decided it would be best to postpone the break up until after the party.
I spent Friday night with him and even though he knew I was upset on Tuesday, he refrained from addressing the situation at all.

I talked a bit more with Sexy Guy about the situation with Mr. Sarcastic last night. He claims that Mr. Sarcastic is abusing the situation and playing me because he can get away with it. I pointed out to him that I have also slept with him recently....so who is playing who? The only difference is that it seems to bother me more.

Translator Required

2009-11-25T10:03:00.000-08:00

Last night I decided to start the ball rolling with Mr. Sarcastic, with regard to ending our time together. I am a very emotional person and wear my heart on my sleeve so the reality is that I am unable to spend any time with him and not let the cat out of the bag.
I texted him to see when he would be free. He could sense in our texts that I was upset so he asked what was wrong. I responded that I was having a bad week. He asked "How come?" Now he cares! Every time I was sick, or burnt out he never bothered to check if I needed anything. Yet when he was sick, I went over right away with Nyquil and Kleenex. I digress...
I didn't respond to his text. A little while later he phoned as he was about to meet his friend for dinner. By this time I was in tears. He asked why I was upset. I told him that I am very sad because we are not on the same page. He does not communicate with me and I am unsure whether it is just me or if that is the way he is. "This is not how I play the game." He couldn't really talk so we agreed to continue the next day.

Then he called back about 5 minutes later. I thought perhaps he was going to say something reassuring but instead he asked where he and his buddy could grab a steak downtown.

I almost dropped the phone....

He texted again late in the evening to ask if I would like to join the two for a drink. Is he nuts? I cry my eyes out and he asks me after 11 PM if I want to go out with him and his friend??? Either he is dumber than a bag of hammers or he was not sincere because he remembered that I shut my ringer off at night. I am voting "dumb."

I told Sexy Guy what happened "Why do I attract the losers? I tell him how I feel and then he calls to ask where he can have a good steak."
Sexy Guy responded "That's because he likes you."

Is that what that means??? Holy Fuck! How the hell do you get he likes me out of that? I certainly need a translator because I do not understand the language of dating. I thought I meant that he was a dumb arse

Two Weeks Notice

2009-11-23T07:52:00.001-08:00

I hereby am giving my two weeks notice.

Let me explain my ramblings

I spent a wonderful, peaceful, extra long weekend at my cottage....ALONE. I invited Mr. Sarcastic to join me for one of the nights. But of course he had many things to do around his own house and wouldn't be able to make it. He bid me adieu in an email before I left work. I told him that I would use the time to clean, read and make chili. He responded "I like chili"

So now he has taken me for granted and expects me to return on Sunday night with left over chili for him. I don't think so pal.

He sent a text on Saturday afternoon "How is the chili?"

Argh!!!

Apparently he did not do anything this weekend except work from his sofa. He said he went to the pub after work on Friday but came home by 10:30. Could he be lying? I honestly don't think so.

My problem is checking out. I want to but always hope in the back of my mind that I am just missing something. How can someone start off so fantastic and then just pull a complete 180 degrees in behaviour patterns yet still want to see and spend time with me (albeit lying on the couch.)

Maybe he is depressed, maybe this is some bizarre test, maybe something horrible is happening at work or in his personal life that he doesn't want to share with me.

But here is the answer to all of those possibilities: Not my problem!

So why can I not just walk away? I am unhappy. I complain about him. I am starting to feel un-sexy. I want to see other people. I do not want to waste my time. I want to spend time with someone who appreciates me and wants to do things together

Am I lonely and enjoy the company no matter how lame it is? Am I the stupid, little girl who hopes that I can change him? Maybe I really do like him....

Who cares? NOT MY PROBLEM!

I thought about this over my lunchtime workout and I came up with this idea. I am a very proud person and once I say I will do something, I do it. At the end of the day my pride always wins
I hereby am giving my two week notice.

I have already told three girlfriends that if I am still with Mr. Sarcastic (aka Lazy, aka Pigpen) and there has been no changes in his behaviour by December 5th then they have every right to hit me (in order to knock some sense in my head) All I ask is that they leave no visible marks.

My gym buddy is already googling how to hit someone without leaving a mark. She has very little faith in me.

I actually feel like a weight has been lifted already...

Temper

2009-11-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

Apparently I am hot headed. I thought I had cured this problem a long time ago but according to a few sources, this is not the case.

As I discovered last week, communication is not Mr. Sarcastic's strong point. At all. Since my last entry, I tried to discuss with him the reasons behind his sporadic behaviour and how it makes me feel. I showed up on his door step with the intentions to talk except he just shut right down. Of course I left and sent a few harsh texts before I went to bed. I came into work the next day to an email in my inbox from him that simply asks "Are you PMSing?"
Wow! What an idiot. I held back (according to my standards) and used this as an opportunity to calmly tell him exactly how I felt. I showed the emails to my girlfriend who told me that I was nasty.

"You think so? I thought I was being pretty good."

I also showed her communication yesterday between an online guy that contacted me last year and then just out of the blue emailed me again yesterday. He had saved our old email. As she scrolled through the previous correspondence she commented how this must have been at a point in my life where is was fed up with dating because my tone is very harsh...."You think so??"

Now it all makes sense when Sexy Guy told me that if Mr. Sarcastic is a good guy and worthwhile that I should learn to count to 10. In fact, I saw Sexy Guy over the weekend and as we were talking about tattoos, he suggested that I get it tattooed to my body.

Am I really that hot headed?

So where does that leave me? Well, I am still with Mr. Sarcastic. We cleared the air and are right back to enjoying each other's company. Although it is to early to define our status. I like to call it "companionship." We are more than friends or a booty call but we are definitely not in a relationship. This is why I have decided to still keep my options open. If anything, last week has opened my eyes a bit to his character and although I do not think of him as a bad person, I can definitely see why the man has never been married.

Sexy guy asked me to join him as his date on a retreat this weekend. If I didn't have house guests this weekend, I would be all over that.

Full Moon and Men

2009-11-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how fast something can slide downhill. It had been over 48 hours since I last heard from Mr. Sarcastic. I figured at that point, I can declare myself back on the market and do whatever I want. But I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and texted him to see how he was (Because he could have been dead or hospitalized...that is forgivable) No apologies about not contacting me at all. I jokingly asked if he lost interest in me. No response.
Then I came back harder "Your lack of response and the fact I found condoms in your laundry room means I hit the nail on the head."
He was more concerned about the condom part than my feelings and said they have been there for a while.

"Dude! I cleaned your laundry room 2 weeks ago" - See being a housemaid paid off in the end

Within our texts I told him that I really liked him and didn't want to get hurt or be used. At least he came back with a "No worry of being used. I don't roll that way." But he was at a friend's house and couldn't talk.
On his way home he texted me as if nothing was wrong "How's Jen" followed by "I went to the gym today" - Well, why don't you throw the hen into the water. Because I am mad as a wet hen!
All I want to hear (read) are the words "I am not interested" or "I am seeing someone else" or "You are not my type" or "I am sleeping with your mother" ...anything! I am like the restaurant that wants the customer survey cards filled out.

So he didn't want to talk about it. I just said "We do not have to talk about it. I feel like you really like me at times and then other times I am just a convenience." I was gonna write more but I figured it would verge on the nasty side. So I ended it with a question "Are you Scottish?" No answer.

Now those of you who know me, know that I am racist towards Scottish men. I refuse to date them. All the Scottish boys I have dated (even some of my friends have dated Scottish men) have been nothing but trouble. Most of them feel like they have something to prove. Now when I meet a new guy, I actually google the heritage of their surname. It said his name was Irish but there was something somewhere that hinted he may be Scottish. This would explain a lot....

Now going back to the texts last night. I am so sad and confused. I actually really liked this one and could see it possibly going somewhere. I know I am not much of a challenge when I like someone but that is who I am. I have nothing to prove and I don't feel I need to play games. If I like someone, then I try to be nice to that person and show them that they are special to me. I don't feel there is a need for a "waiting" period or any sort of game to be played. But I do expect some reciprocating. His Hot/Cold attitude is making me sick. When he is on, he is bang on but when he is off, it is like I never existed.
I was supposed to cab over to his place on Friday, after a party but he fell asleep. He texted and called early the next morning with apologies and wanted me to come over. As I was leaving in the afternoon, He wanted to make sure that I was coming to his party. I was there at 11 PM, as I had promised. I kept my distance from him so I was not viewed as "Clingy" and I mingled with all of his friends. Everyone knew who I was and I was referred to as his girlfriend. I don't even call myself that! Nothing happened to change his attitude towards me but I left Sunday evening and never heard from him again. What went wrong??

I emailed him at lunch asking to see him because I would like to know why he distances himself from me. That damn comment card is going to get filled out if I have to strangle it out of him. He suggested tomorrow or the weekend but his attitude was very indifferent. Why do I beat the dead horse? I should throw my hands in the air and walk away...But you know I won't

My girlfriend went through a similar situation last night with her guy. Is it the FULL MOON???

I have a theory that when you fall off a horse, you get back on another. I called Sexy Guy and asked if I could see him. He asked if I would like to see a movie tonight. I made a joke about Luvin' and apparently, I am not getting any. Huh??? What is wrong with the world today? He claims he isn't seeing anyone and we shall talk about it tonight.
So I actually really want to see the movie and can use a distraction right now but another side says "What's the point if I am not getting laid?"

Small Town

2009-11-03T08:30:00.001-08:00

This town is becoming too small for me. I received a phone call at work last week from a guy who was flirting with me at a party recently. Apparently he was quite smitten by me and asked my friends about me. Nice enough guy but very gregarious and probably a bit of an over aged party boy. Anyways, don't ask me how it came about but he started to tell me about his old Wing man. He was tall, salt and pepper hair, did Iron Man competitions and women flocked to him...It was my ex!
I said "Are you talking about so and so? "
He said "Yeah, you know him?"
I said "I am his ex girlfriend."

I think he was in shock that we dated. I was in shock that he actually used to buy rounds of shooters and was someone's Wing Man. Well, he wished me a good day and I never heard from him again.

It cannot be anything Mr Ex said. What horrible things could he say? "I cooked too much and wanted too much sex?" Oh, there's a deal breaker!

This past weekend I attended a Halloween Party at the home of Mr. Sarcastic. I had the opportunity to meet most of his friends. I think it went well and was touched to hear things like "We have been waiting to meet you" or "You are his girlfriend." It relieves some of my insecurities. But of course, I have not heard from him in almost 48 hours and I am right back where I started. I don't think I am that needy of a person that I NEED to hear from the person I am dating but it is nice to hear from the one that you care about every day. I am voting that after a solid 48 hours, I can be deemed single again and do as I please.

Now I am a little sick so you have to forgive me because the insecurity tends to be stronger. Sexy Guy texted me and when I told him that I was sick, offered to bring whatever I needed.

See??!! He does it. Why can't others?

Dating Games

2009-10-27T10:24:00.001-07:00

Last week I was at a cocktail party where I was re-introduced to a friend of an old friend. She asked if I was single because she really wanted to introduce me to her cute, male, single co-worker. Sure! Why not? Mr Sarcastic is about as hot and cold as my shower in university. I pass her my business card and she said that she would be in contact with me. The following day an email appears in my inbox about the guy....Turns out it is Mr. Sarcastic's best friend. The only friend of his that I have met...NICE

Later that evening I decided to initiate "The Talk." However, our "Talk" was about two sentences.
I start off "Are you keeping your dating options open?"

"No"

And that was it. I told him that he was a hard one to figure out and proceeded to tell him about the day's events. He already knew. Jeez - Men gossip more than women!

So you would think everything is hunky dorey? Not so fast. He is still hot/cold. We will email one another throughout the day and then he just randomly stops (even when I have asked a question) He will ask to hang out, watch a movie or have me sleep over. Then I don't hear from him again.
This cat/mouse game is enough to make anyone paranoid. I am starting to wonder if men date crazy women or that they just drive women crazy.

I said my final goodbyes to S*xy Guy last night. I sent a text on Sunday letting him know that I can no longer sleep with him. We can still remain friends but the benefits stop.

He responded "I am glad u r moving on."

Moving on??? From what?? Did you think I was hung up on you? Oh Huney, are you ever in the dark.
He called last night to wish me all the best and keep in touch. Then he asked if I had any friends that would be interested in a no strings attached lover. Nope. I am the only village idiot of the group. Furthermore, he is still an investment. With Mr. Sarcastic soon to be renamed Mr Hot and Cold, I am keeping Sexy Guy on speed dial just in case.
He proceeded to tell me that I was hot headed and stubborn and that I should learn to count to three before I lose my temper. Huney, I could count to 100 and still lose my temper with you but thanks for the advice Dr. Phil.

The Evils of Kir Royale

2009-10-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

I explored many possible theories last night with regard to my dating disasters and my issues seem to go back to Midget:

1- When I was with him, I knew deep down that he was not a good guy but ignored it. After we split, I saw him for who he really and was shocked that I was willing to make the biggest mistake of my life had he asked me to marry him. Perhaps I have a fear of falling for the wrong guy and ending up in a crappy situation again that I am so overly sensitive and selective about everything

2- When he dumped me, I never saw it coming. In fact that Christmas, everyone including his family and friends, assumed he was going to propose to me and then a few weeks later...WHAM - O!! So if there is even a hint of potential relationship, I head them off at the pass in order to avoid getting hurt.

Who knows.....

So last night I met up with a few girls for dinner after my meeting. It was later in the evening and I had not had anything to eat for a while. Half way through the first champagne cocktail, I felt light headed. Fling Boy had texted me. Still feeling aggressive against men, I responded by telling him the last night that we were together I wanted to put a notch in my bed post before he left because that is all he ever was.
I got a 1:30 AM text about what a bitch I am.

He was right. That wasn't a nice thing to say. I did apologize this morning but added that men like him have made me who I am.

Thank God, I deleted Mr. Sarcastic out of my phone yesterday.

Straight Jacket Required

2009-10-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

And so Mr. Sarcastic rides off into the sunset. I am getting too old for this bullshit. He seemed like such a doll. He came out on Friday night with my friends for dinner and drinks and we had a great time. Then we spent the rest of the weekend together but now he just shut off on me. I have no clue what happened.

Oh yeah, that's right. I almost forgot: His Laundry

I was helping him with some yard work on Sunday but then began to feel that I was more hindrance than help so I went back inside but soon grew bored and restless. I found a big pile of laundry that covered the entire floor of his laundry room so I decided to do some laundry (and also because he was wearing briefs the night before I figured the poor bastard was out of boxers) It was too late when I realized what I was doing. I texted a girlfriend asking her to bitch slap me when I got to the office the next day.
Anyways, he seemed appreciative. Of course he was - dude got clean socks without the nagging of a mother.

Once again, the "attractive, independent, good looking, pretty much has her life together, no baggage that cannot fit into the overhead bin, nice little girl finishes" last.
I guess had I developed an addiction to prescription medication, he would be madly in love with me. In fact, I would be married to Midget by now had I been diagnosed as Bi-polar or fling boy and I would live happily ever after had I gotten myself knocked up and lied about it.

Do you see my pattern???

I would say their excuse is they are all in their late 30-40s and never been married

But Sexy Guy admits that he has a soft spot for the crazies. And remember my theory about 6'5?? The only difference is these statistics have both been married.

This is my problem. I need to figure out how to become crazy if I keep falling for these types of guys. Not just "Crazy fun" but downright nuts with a therapist as an accessory!

Well at least Sexy Guy is always there for me (at least when it is convenient)

Worms in the Woodwork

2009-10-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, my friends it has been a while between work, socializing, etc; Gerri has found precious little time to post a blog (note the referral to the third person as it will become relevant)

I guess Mr. More Sarcastic Than Me and I were considered, for all intents and purposes, "dating" last week but I don't want to think about it because I tend to fall in the trap of over thinking and either freak out and run away or just drive them away. But I do think he is as fickle as every other man I seem to be attracted to and the light is fading fast. Or perhaps I have become a "deer in headlights" again and am running all over the highway. Someday, I am gonna get hit by a truck and you will find me lying on the side of the road with my tongue hanging out. The problem lies in me doesn't it?

I did have a moment the other day when we were walking the dog, that I should sprint through the park and hitch it back to my own place. Walking the dog together???? In two weeks??? While holding hands? In public??? That is way too couple like for me. Yet at the end of the evening, I sensed he was tired and just wanted me out of the house because this isn't what he wants. See?? I think way too much. Who cares??? Dude is 41 and never been married. Guess what? He ain't no jackpot. At least I have one divorce under my belt and am still in my 30s.

God love my girlfriend who provided me with this insightful advice that I want to pass on to all of you:
the tell-tale signs of a commitment phobic guy is this:
1) pursue ardently
2) make the woman feel extra special
3) be eager to be in a relationship
4) never talk about themselves, their lives, intimate details
5) get the nookie
6) when his fear kicks in, a day, a week, a month etc later, he withdraws
This makes sense...

Now with this past weekend being a holiday, all the losers and commitment phobes came out of the wood work to reach out and touch. I thought Christmas made them all sentimental but apparently turkey and pumpkin pie has the same affect on assholes. The first was Sexy Guy, who sensed that I had someone new in my life. How the hell did he figure that out? Just because I don't talk to him in a week, he assumes I am with someone else? Woah! I guess I waste too much time contacting him. I told him that I had hooked up with someone but it is not defined as anything. Then he goes on to tell me that if he is a nice guy, I should give him a chance and not chew him up and spit him out right away....My reputation precedes me.
Then ol' Fling Boy texted me about how he misses waking up next to me. How could he possibly miss that when I kicked him out at 1 AM? So when I didn't respond right away, he suggests that I have someone new....What? Can I just not want to talk to you? Why does everyone assume that I have a new plaything? Maybe I want to ignore the old chew toys.

And of course, the sad thing is that when I have these feelings of insecurity with Mr. Sarcastic, I go right back to contacting these two idiots. The first was Sexy Guy" "Sometimes I think I am as fucked in the head as you when it comes to dating" late night text.

I need therapy

There was a guy that I was chatting with online just prior to Mr. Sarcastic. We were supposed to meet last week but I had a deadline change on a project and I needed to postpone in order to finish it. We will call this one the Good Dr. (he is a medical doctor) What I find appealing is that he has all these different interests. He is taking an art history class, dance lessons and even a massage therapy class....and he is straight! Cha ching!! He sounds sensitive and open minded. But then in our emails he started to refer to himself in the third person. Uh?? Freak?? Who does that?? Anyways, I decided to meet him because if anything, I may have found an Argentian Tango partner and a date for the ballet.

The Vanishing.....

2009-09-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

So here I am sitting at home on a Friday night with the cats. I was supposed to have a dinner date with Tall dark and handsome (no, seriously. He really was 6'5) except he is MIA. Original plans were made for Tuesday night, except I was still recovering from the weekend. So I emailed to ask if we were still on. He responded that he may have to leave town for work and was unsure at that point. I thought this was my perfect excuse for an out. I will look like an agreeable, compromising woman and suggested Friday night, after he returns, be more suitable for him.

The last words I heard from him "I have a feeling that you and I will get along just fine. Looking forward to Friday"

Then....nada......

There was a red flag raised when earlier in our emails back and forth on Tuesday, he gave me his exact address and also the exact address of the hotel he was staying at this week. Huh??? Who would give out where they live, online to a girl they have never met? I could be an axe murderer (Although at 6'5, I am sure he could fight me off.) Maybe that's it! Because I didn't show up on his doorstep, he isn't interested any more. I am just not psycho enough for him.

Oh well, another one bites the dust.

I am not too upset because I am tired from last night's date with Mr. More Sarcastic Than Me. We had a very pleasant evening and I would definitely see him again. I certainly met my match in the sarcasm department. He said that he was tired and hungover. God only knows if I could handle him at his 100%. At the start of the evening, he seemed totally disinterested but part way through, he grabbed my hand and held it. Then he walked me to my car and kissed me good night. The only difference with this one, was I contacted Mr. MSTM first. He seemed to have a nice body, cute and had a picture with his dog and his shirt off. Yes ladies, I am a sucker....

Now please don't accuse me of being a serial dater. I AM NOT A SERIAL DATER. It just happened that a number of attractive men who seem normal contacted me within 24 hours time frame. But we all know there is a less than one percent chance of this being true so I decided to communicate with all. You know, like one of those reality shows where people just drop out if the race or get eliminated because they are the weakest link.

Pretentious Places

2009-09-13T06:44:00.000-07:00

I am nursing slight hangover this morning. Ended up at a club with the girls after the party began to wind down. My quote of the evening was "I am gonna drink until my shoes don't hurt me anymore." I don't even understand my own sense of logic. I didn't realize how much those puppies hurt until I woke up to my feet covered in blisters.

Chatted with a new guy online whom I call "Baldy" He seemed nice and it was actually myself who started the conversation. I found out that he worked in the same place as my friend. So naturally the first thing one does is a reference check. Turns out he is a very nice, stand up guy, in great shape and furthermore was a mentor to my friend.

Cha- ching!! Did I actually find a good one?

Guess again, because he asked when I go out, where do I go; I mentioned a common martini bar that I frequent with the girls down the street.

His response? "Pretentious place for women who want to meet lawyers and such. I'm sure it wasn't your idea though :)"

Oh boy. We got a live one here...
I couldn't give him a good dose of Gerri, as he works with my buddy. Still, he needed to be put in his place

"I am sure you are a very nice person but I took offense your comment. I guess I like "pretentious places" as I enjoy dressing up and going somewhere for a nice meal and/or drink. I appreciate good food and good wine (I also collect vintage wines -albeit in the lower price ranges.) I am also comfortable in the middle of the bush toasting a hot dog on a stick over a fire and many other venues in between.

My girlfriends and I are not "gold diggers" looking to meet lawyers (and if we did, I am sure we would have better luck at the pub across the street - as a few of my friends who are lawyers frequent that hole.) We are successful, hardworking professionals who enjoy going out and having a good time every now and then.

I don't think you would enjoy joining me tonight as one party is at the pretentious place and another is at a new club that I am sure you would not find appealing."

He responded with an apology and that he was joking. Maybe if it DID have a reputation of being a Gold Digger bar, I may see the humour but it was read as an angry, bitter remark.

Sorry dude - If you were dumped for a lawyer by your ex, maybe it wasn't for money but because you are an idiot.

Ice Cream Bars

2009-09-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

Still feeling the side effects of dinner with the ex. Texted Fling Boy to see if he wanted to hang out after our "phone you in like ordering pizza romp" on Friday but he told me that he was having gum surgery...that's a new excuse.

So I decided to stay in, feel sorry for myself and eat a box (yes, you heard right) of ice cream bars while listening to a song that reminded me of the ex. Now for most of you, a box of ice cream bars is disgusting in itself but to a little girl with Crohn's Disease, it can be catastrophic!

Fling Boy texted me to see how my day went and I spewed everything about my dinner last night. That probably isn't going to help my case with him. But he seemed to understand where I am coming from and maybe sympathized a bit. I decided to get up, brush myself off and go back to being the usual asshole that I am famous for. Our texts ended on the verge of hot and heavy. Reminds me of the fairy tale of the girl who ends up w. a Sultan. She tells a story to him every night but always ends at a pivotal point in order to keep his interest and to keep her head...literally. She was a fairy tale "playah". Good for her! My new hero!

Fond Memories of the "Ex"

2009-09-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

Had dinner with him last night. It was a pleasant evening with generic conversation, catching up on the last couple years. As we were about to go on our separate ways, I leaned in and kissed him goodbye with a "I still miss you sometimes"

Where the hell did that come from?? Am I not supposed to be the jaded bitch that goes through men like Q-tips? Why did I just say that? I looked like such a pathetic wimp.

His response? "But we are so different."

Yeah, I know we are complete opposites. I am the artsy, social butterfly that cries at children's movies and won't bring my 13th pair of shoes purchased within a month across my threshold because I feel it may bring bad luck. So they are in the porch until I decide to return them or buy a 14th pair to counter balance.

He is cut and dried, hates cats, hates the country, has his schedule and lifestyle; sticks to it and never strays from it. He really is as much fun as roadkill. He complained that I cooked too much and wanted too much sex when we were together! Who really brings that up??

But he is kind, honest, caring, thoughtful, and a true gentleman. Plus he is tall, dark and handsome and good in the sack to boot!

Why is it the best thing that ever happened to me has to be the worst thing for me??

Incidentally I asked my girlfriend about a guy I have been chatting with online. I nicknamed him Dementia because he is either a total player and is getting all his gals mixed up or he has developed the early stages of Alzheimer's. Great...She knows him and he has a foot fetish. He has a trend of asking for pictures of obscure body parts. Which I think he was about to start last night when he asked to see more pictures of me

I am a loser magnet.